Dirty deeds (done for free)



Stuff I wrote recently.

it might be interesting to write a poem called “i like vike” that would be about vicodin but also a critique of eisenhower’s 1952 presidential campaign which saw the advent of television commercials as a way to influence political support, with the motto, “i like ike”, leading to the sedation of the body politic by our modern american political traditions in our world of memetics, spectacle, and branding.

vicodin, ike-odin, sedation, body politic, etc.

I was using it before Chuck came out, and I’ve always considered changing it because I don’t want people to think that I enjoy Chuck. Chuck viewship has a certain undesirable je ne sais quoi like a scarlet letter or a yellow star of david or a vocal belief in gay marriage.

I have recently transitioned into “Captain Blossom” because it rhymes, although a number of people on Steam have disapproved of this name. They mad. But it’s okay because I don’t particularly care what random people playing L4D2 think of me because I know that I am the better person.

Not a better person like a sort of moral high ground, but better as in objectively worth more. Sort of like Precious (basedonthenovelpushbysaffire) keeping her head up while building a life for her and her baby (a combined force of 93 chromosomes and two slices of AIDS like patties on a double cheeseburger), except not in a way that’s all just sound and fury and she’s saying it only because the story is supposed to end on a hopeful note like all abolitionist literature or a 2007 Obama speech. Not like that, but more in a way where I know that I’m better and anything with which my fellow steam denizens dare to critique me are irrelevant like a midget critiquing a skyscraper.

I’m digging foxholes into a valley in the moral low ground. You are invited, Shaun. Come join me.

A College First!

I never lived in the dorms, so I never got what I felt was a typical college experience, going out with floormates and having a large social group. But I did have a college first, which was that I changed my schedule so that Waffles, my roommate, could have intercourse with… let’s give her the codename Dancer.

Anyway, they’re not boyfriend-girlfriend, but they’re more than just friends with benefits, I think. It’s the sort of non-committal millennial romance that the youth today prefers. I think they make a cute couple.

Waffles asked me a few times how long my quiz was going to take. I said something like, “Maybe an hour, maybe more, because that class sometimes keeps me in late.” When I got back, Dancer came over, which is weird because Waffles doesn’t hang out with Dancer a lot merely for the sake of hanging out. So I think he was really fishing to have intercourse with her, but didn’t want to disrupt my schedule in any way. They later went out under the guise that they were going to buy cigarettes, and that’s when I suspected what was happening and texted (I recently got texting) Waffles if they were going at it. He didn’t respond.

So then I finish graphing a data set for my lab report, and go to the library (figure I may as well study a bit, finals are next week) and very clearly tell them that I’ll be back in two hours. So I just had this conversation while sitting in the library.

Waffles: can you come back at 8?
me: u ok?
Waffles: we need alone time

So it turns out that I was right. They are going at it right now. Best of luck.

The Saddest Room

I was in a review section for microbiology, and the TAs were having trouble finishing up on time. At 7pm on the dot, a guy walks in and says that he had the room reserved at 7. The TAs compromised for another five minutes, and after five minutes EXACTLY, guy walks back in and just stands there.

This dude had a disgusting mustache that was like twice the length of stubble. I usually walk out the back of that particular room, but I decided to walk out into the hall to get a peek at the assholes who were cutting my review session short.

It was like an ugly convention out there. I saw really old dudes, like 40 years old, who looked like disgusting neckbeards. I saw this one guy who was short and fat, and he had long hair, except he was bald at the front like George from Seinfeld. I quickly noticed that they all had fliers from the anime club on campus.

The ugly mustache guy mentioned that he had the room reserved for three hours, so I guess the anime club was going to watch a movie and not look at mirrors together.