Meet Mike

I have a classmate named Mike. He’s what every girl wants in a guy — athletic, attractive, intelligent, well-groomed, above average height, well-off family. He has a 6/10 personality but he’s charming enough at just the right times. Quite a number of girls have been after him but none are quite good enough for him. 

And I’ve known him for a year and a half and I’ve just barely cracked under the surface of Mike — he’s quiet. That’s not a commentary on volume, but a commentary on content. I had no idea what he did in his spare time or what he did for fun. 

Turns out he’s kind of lame. All he ever did was work out and study. And play video games. But he maintained enough of a facade and a mystique prima facie that nobody gave it a second thought. He doesn’t have any pictures on Facebook from before 2010. He doesn’t have much of a history, comments from friends, or playful internet banter from his undergraduate years. 

But still he maintains his terrific facade — he’s an excellent cardboard cutout of his Platonic ideal. He’s kind of like Gatsby but not pathetic; he has that unknown history and some Past Mike he’s trying to escape by rearranging the deck chairs on his cardboard cutout. Occasionally he’ll say something that cracks the veneer of his chiseled frame. Like he started randomly talking about listening to My Chemical Romance. I thought he was joking at first because it’s 2013 and we’re not ugly lower middle class 13 year old white girls, but apparently he really listens to MCR. I think something is wrong with him, not like Ordinary People wrong, but still DSM-V diagnosable.

He recently entered into a relationship — perhaps his first publicly acknowledged ? — with a deeply underwhelming 21 year old who doesn’t know any better. I give it four months, maybe more because she’s not too bright.

We all have a crazy friend, right?

One of my friends who I met on the internet freshman year lives here. He was kinda normal when I met him, an art student at a mediocre state school in the midwest. So I haven’t seen him in a year.  So I figured I should drive out to the suburbs and see him.

So I went just today to visit him. I knew that he was really into spiritual shit and into healing crystals and stuff, but I figured he would talk about something else and be slightly more normal while I was there. Nope. He talked about healing crystals and stuff, like he held them and they had special properties and they were apparently expensive. They weren’t even nice, they were just polished rocks. He had like twenty of them.

He played some music for us and it was new age ambient shit and he just sat on the floor for a while playing with a tennis ball for like way too much time. He lives in the basement of one of his dad’s coworkers because it’s close to the massage school he goes to. It’s some eastern medicine massage thing, I’m not clear on the details.

The place is filled with weird spiritual garbage, like I can’t even remember the names because they all have insane titles about auras and astrology and the spirit. I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from laughing out loud as he talked about how the different rocks he kept affected his energy. He had a bunch of books, from Taoist stuff to insane pamphlets that were incomprehensible.

I left after an hour because it got kind of boring.

Dietary misadventures

I’m messing around with my diet because I like to try new things after I’ve thoroughly researched them. Okay, I don’t like to try new things but I’m doing it anyway.

Back in January for a while I tried to go vegetarian, but I still ate eggs and I felt totally fine. So I basically substituted meat with eggs and avocados, and that’s fine because I like both of those. I just eat avocados raw, they’re awesome. Except you can’t get California avocados out here, only the Mexican ones but I mean there isn’t too much of a difference I guess.

I recently tried to cut carbs out of dinner, so it’s just a little bit of meat and a bunch of vegetables and I feel like shit. Fucking rice, bro. Fuck.

Went to the mall today

Forced volunteering for school credit, taking blood pressures. The Mall of America has roller coasters and stuff inside of it. It’s a pretty big mall. A lot of fat people were there, with their motorized scooters. I almost laughed a few times because I read an internet forum that has this stereotype of Americans being fat cheesburger-eating, scooter-bound idiots who were controlled by the Jews. Granted that’s somewhat accurate, but still I probably shouldn’t start laughing whenever fat people scoot past.

The AHA organized it so a bunch of people there suffered cardiac arrests. So basically their hearts just randomly stop and then you fall down and you’re probably dead. So they all had really entertaining stories, like one guy was driving and he plowed head-on at 50 mph and he was healthier than ever because it was like the massive wake up call lazy people need to get off their ass and realize that every day was special to them, like some of them counted every day.

Also I bought some red jeans from H&M.

A great way of describing myself

I was on the phone with June, and I described something I wrote as “sort of a bored sadness interspersed with a smug satisfaction that I was smarter than everyone else.” Then I realized that was a pretty good description of my own life.

Also a postdoc in lab randomly told me they found Richard III’s body. I then told him about the continuity of English dynasties, the War of the Roses, the Battle of Bosworth Field, and I corrected his understanding of British history 1300-1800 AD. I know a lot about a lot of things.