On leaving facebook

I left facebook recently. It’s been liberating mostly. Occasionally I still get a muscle reflex to open the link back up, but I’ve cleared out my internet history and deleted the shortcuts out of my browser so it’s not really part of my life anymore. I was tired of seeing real life on the internet. I don’t need to live in a bizarre vicarious simulacrum that’s actively being documented for eternity. But mostly I’m tired of people. I’m tired of being judged by people who barely know me based on things I do on the internet. It stopped being an interesting place where my friends talk and now it’s just another place to represent an attractive image of yourself. I’m tired of people who think they know me, and leaving facebook isn’t going to change that but I feel that it’s an important component of it.

I’m done with people for a little bit.

Today in lab I was just talking with some of my labmates, and I was just talking about how I once considered med school, but decided against it when I considered that I had to touch people’s junk and lift up their fat folds and stuff. Then they all have a good laugh over the fact that I have shit social skills and that my bedside manner would be terrible — that maybe I should be a surgeon because then I wouldn’t have to talk to actual patients who are awake.

So that felt good. Then the undergrad who I’ve barely said two sentences to over the past year tells me that she doesn’t think I’d be good with patients because I’m too judgmental. I’m not sure where she’s drawing that conclusion because I’ve barely ever talked to her. But a bunch of other people think I’m judgmental, it’s definitely not the first time I’ve heard that complaint. If enough people say it, it becomes true, right? Urbandictionary says of judgmental,

If you think stupid people are stupid, you are judgmental. If you think ugly people are ugly, you are judgmental.

It has adopted a negative connotation as the practice of paying any unbiased attention to behavior pattern of others becomes taboo. It’s only socially acceptable to acknowledge all successes and instantly forget all failures, that way no true judgement of a person’s behavior pattern can be formed. If people weren’t afraid to actually tell when others were incompetent, much of modern society would unfold.

Great. There really are two sides to it. So then I came back home and I told Peasant girl that people think I’m judgmental, and she confirmed that I am judgmental. Also she said that other people say more than that about me, which means her Asian friends who all congregate in one big group of Asian people say shit about me behind my back. Basically, they think I’m weird, and I really am weird I guess, but I’ve been living with that forever so that’s not a surprise. I can’t really identify exactly what it is, but I’m just done with people for now. I occasionally go through phases where I make an attempt to like people and swing to the opposite of wanting to avoid everyone. This is an example of the latter.
So I’ve left facebook, maybe for weeks; maybe for months. I dunno.

Gender and gaming, cont.

The new Grand Theft Auto is coming out, and a fairly large review site had a transsexual review the game and inject the review full of moralizing about gender roles and politics instead of actually judging the game on its own merits. I’m totally okay with the increasing female audience of video games. I don’t care who else plays, just play the fucking game. It’s a big tent subculture. But there’s a vocal minority of loudmouthed bitches-with-a-capital-B who are bent on pressing their own narrow political views onto the design of characters in video games. This is just one review, but changing the entire scene is a long process, and garbage like this is the first step. Beware of people trying to overturn the existing order. People try to overturn the existing order when they’re powerless in it, so they have to use ideology and dialectics to overturn the balance of power.

I also have some archconservative opinions about transsexuality. Homosexuality can at least be found in nature; it’s completely against the natural order to inject yourself with exogenous hormones and surgically fuck up your genitals. I know that some people are intersexed because of genetic problems or whatever, but that isn’t what I’m complaining about here. I guess I don’t understand the appeal very well. It should be a DSM diagnosable disorder.

Managed Care

Managed care is the field of pharmacy that deals with insurance stuff. So how the insurance decides which drugs are covered, how much your copays are, and generally try to figure out how to get as much money out of the drug manufacturers while keeping people unhappy with the plans, but not so unhappy that they change plans.

It’s basically millionaires complaining about the wealth of billionaires while they both work together to take money from poor people.

I kind of want to go into it because it’s interesting from an economics perspective.

Some good advice, I guess

Met my preceptor for the last time. She had to leave quickly on my last day, so we scheduled something for today. I met her at a mall half an hour away, deep in suburbia, the kind of legitimate suburbia where 7/10 middle class white girls spend money borrowed from China to fuel an ultimately unsustainable materialistic lifestyle.

My preceptor came out of Express with a large bag. Shopping at Express is a really great way to explain to complete strangers that you’re middle class. She was alone, because she has the confidence to go to malls alone. She’s married, the kind of married where you’re still young and appear happy.

The take-away advice is that I should avoid doing anything that anyone would consider unprofessional. Don’t give anyone a chance to criticize you ever because there are really uptight bitches at every workplace, especially in female-heavy professions like mine. I’ve heard only bad things about female-heavy professions. And there weren’t even redeeming features there because not only were they average-looking, they were married. I don’t fucking understand this state.

On the way back, I went to Target to pick up some minor food and stuff. This woman kind of cut me in line and she offered to let me go first when she saw me off to the side. She was a redhead, and maybe 35 — or possibly younger 30’s but with really bad sun damage because middle class people love being tan.

Her: You wanna get in front of me?

Me: mumblemumbleyesmumble

Her: *scared look on her face*

Me: Oh sorry, I was just being weird.

30 seconds later

Her: Like the Cheshire Cat.

Me: Yeah, sure.

Man, I really dropped the spaghetti on this conversation. It was coming out of my pockets and it was all over the floor. The spaghetti was so bad I just left without paying. God I’m awkward.